There is this little spoken-of work life niche; the pseudo-mommy or in my current scenario – aunt. Juggling career, and being in the lives of children, though you have not birthed them. I had long felt alone as the bastard child of the work life mommy movement until I discovered SavvyAuntie.com. Melanie Notkin is the founder of this website described as, “The first community for cool aunts, great aunts, godmothers and all women who love kids.” Great useful content and tips from people just like me. Kind of like a Dear Abby for aunts.
The site was brought to my attention by CV Harquail, founder of AuthenticOrganizations.com. We were meeting with some very distinguished work life bloggers (all happen to be mommys) for lunch in New York City last week. When my turn came to speak about the work life merge, my experience with children was far different from the others. I was a step-mom for a number of years, I spent about 7 years volunteering with children living with HIV/AIDS and now I’m an aunt, or auntie if you will.
I’m not an aunt in the traditional sense. The four year-old pistol is the daughter of one of my closest friends who is also a television anchor with an insane schedule, oddly enough I am her fill-in anchor which makes life even more interesting.
It Takes a Village
She knew when this child arrived it would, “take a village” to raise this peanut, and she was right on target. Her husband, who is a freelancer (which adds to the chaos with a different schedule every week), three grandparents, her sister and myself to a degree, delicately pass this adorable precious Lladro-like football from one’s loving arms to the next. And the little one could not be more thrilled. She is a bright, intelligent child with a zest for life and an incredible vocabulary.
I was there through the pregnancy, the birth and so far – her entire life. From reading her bedtime stories, to taking her to the bookstore and the park, to bath time. Every week there are a slew of e-mails and phone calls exchanged. It goes something like this…
FRIEND: “OK, Judy, these are the nights I need coverage, what do you have available?”
JUDY: “I’m working for YOU on Monday, but I’ve got Wed and Thurs night available.”
FRIEND: “Ok, I’ll see if my mom can drop her off at the house so you can watch her for 2 hours until her dad gets home.”
JUDY: “After or before she has dinner.”
FRIEND: “I don’t know yet, I’ll get back to you…”
There will be many more calls and e-mails, last minute schedule changes and complete 180 degree turns in the plan sometimes, as sh– happens. Either way there’s a communication tree of loving beings ready to drop everything if need be. I even had a last minute meeting on Thursday and we all had to adjust. But had we not been able to handle the childcare issue, I would have canceled my plans.
You’re a step-mom?
I’m not ignorant. I understand that being a biological mommy is not the same as being a pseudo-mommy, but I’ve had my fair share of experience in this arena. It also came in the form of being a step-mom while engaged. Despite the fact that I never walked down the isle, I was still present in their lives. On the weekends, when someone missed the bus, or got sick at school during the week, or needed a ride to the mall, or forgot to make lunch – I pitched in.
On being an aunt
Wisdom as s step-mom was gained in this process, as was in my participation in my niece’s life, but it’s different. I am not necessarily up all night when the little one can’t sleep, I have not stayed home with her from work when she was sick, I’m not her mom. Still, I’m an acknowledged loved one in her life. Someone who will be there for some great milestones, like her ballet recital a few weeks ago. I may never truly know how I have impacted this little girls life.
Someday in the future she might better understand my pseudo-role. She’ll see that her college fund grew consistently throughout the years, and that for some reason Aunt Judy was always floating around for dinner and reading her bedtime stories from time to time. She will understand that she grew up in an extended family including Aunt Judy. In fact, she has already observed my presence in her life. Last week at a family dinner at home, with some distant relatives, she had this to say to her mom.
“Mommy, there’s a problem.” She and her mom went into the kitchen for this important low-toned conversation as there was obviously something disturbing the little one. “Honey, tell me what it is,” she whispered. “Well, we’re missing a place setting. What if Aunt Judy shows up?”
